a sweet, sticky meal of anxiety and preemptive worry. hyper-vigilance fueled by precedent; hoping not to be a fool of fraud (again).
evidence of existence.
enrolled in rock and roll reality.
i guess i party sometimes.
st. patrick’s day @ square one. sarah hendricks is my best friend.
jacksonville and i have a really intense love/hate relationship. it seems i’m unable to find myself in the grey area of the affection spectrum when it comes to this city. my feelings toward this town seem to shift with my mood, as if when i’m in a bad place emotionally the city changes and is full of garbage. i think it’s partially my habitual escapism that begins to boil up and i want to place the blame. jacksonville isn’t doing anything itself, you know? it didn’t put a red towel in with my laundry (that hasn’t happened to me yet, don’t get me wrong) or pissed in my coffee.
jacksonville just exists. it’s unlike anywhere i’ve lived. i mean, i know people who have lived further and wider and more places than i have and even they agree with my sentiment that there is something about the people who were born and raised here. the vast majority of native jacksonvillians seem to be mostly selfish and lack remorse and aren’t too keen on utilizing empathy. i know that most of the people i encounter here are also conservative-ish. that isn’t the reason i don’t seem to mesh as well with them, though.
i can’t put my finger on it. maybe it is/was something in the water? maybe it’s the only city in the south that skipped southern mentality and kindness? no, that’s too sweeping of a generalization. to be fair, there are some really amazing people here. there are even some incredible natives of jax who surprise me when they say they were born here. a few of them have an enviable sweetness to them; a kindness that seems alien compared to most people i’ve encountered ANYWHERE i’ve lived.
though i never take advantage of it, i don’t really hate living by the beach. i’m looking forward to it more and more as the summer approaches. maybe because i’ve gotten over some of my body issues. maybe because i’m getting older. maybe because i’m learning to appreciate everything in life, even the sandy border that sits between commerce and the vast blue ocean. i love downtown more, where i can visit friends in their towering victorian homes (gloriously split into apartments, some of ‘em), walk from bar to bar, shop in the historic parts… i don’t know. there is just something about jacksonville.
my mother speaks of leaving jacksonville. she wants to move away again. she offers to have me come with her if i want to get out of here but i don’t know what it is. there is a magnet keeping me here. despite my emotional objections when i am in a bad mood… i think it’s the handfuls of people who i do adore. i think it’s the familiarity i have here now. i don’t want to start over anywhere again. it took me 4 years to get anywhere near comfortable here. i have handfuls of friends and acquaintances that i wouldn’t want to live without. these are people who are so unique, it makes my heart swell. cheesy, i know. i may not see them every day or all the time, but knowing that i can is something like a warm blanket.
jacksonville is a harsh mistress, but so is tomorrow.
today, as if it isn’t readily apparently, i am writing this blog entry with nothing short of affection for this sprawling pseudo-metropolis. oh, and before you ask, yes… i am in quite a chipper mood.
i like the way that girl is looking at me.
i wore a guy’s shirt on friday night and i bought a similar shirt on sunday because i liked how it looked so much. i really love target, i’m just sayin’. yeah, the picture above is me in the shirt. the dude’s really awesome too. especially for letting me wear his shirt… even if it was only for a few minutes.
i haven’t eaten enough today for i crave greasy foods. i want something enormous to gorge myself with. unfortunately, i can’t figure out what.
permentertainment.
watch this: http://jacksonville.craigslist.org/cas/1650345837.html
and then this: http://www.somethingawful.com/flash/shmorky/babby.swf
i know, it is a saturday night (and nowruz!) and i am at home. i don’t regret my decision to be a homebody tonight despite knowing most of my friends are out and about right now. i feel pretty content with the way last night went. i am in the middle of working on some art but i’ve put it off a bit to be a lazy ass tonight.
i wish i had more to say but i can say that i’m being quite the nerd and watching indian versions of superman and michael jackson right now.
give me daughters.
i used to complain of not having a life. i look at what i have no and it hardly seems pedestrian on paper, but it does not feel sufficient. however, how would i know when it is at a satisfying, manageable place? my curiosity piqued at this idea today when i was thinking of all the things i day dream about doing. i feel i could take on more without overcompensating for years of laziness and meager social expansion, but would i end up overwhelmed by it all? am i susceptible to overestimating myself?
i thought that by re-entering the world of higher education, that i would feel fulfilled. this does not seem to be true. though i am awash with homework and all the glories of student-hood at a full-time work load, paired with work at gamestop (spare shifts with some consistency) and a few days/mornings here and there from the real estate office, and at least one or two adventurous nights out with my best friend and the closest, most incredible people i’ve met thus far; albeit it seems that i have a mostly full schedule, there is still something missing.
what it is, i’m not totally sure.
however irritating this quarter-life crisis may be (i do find myself more sensitive than i have previously been, yet i am less apt to being taken advantage of or taken for granted – “no” is a more prominent response in my vocabulary finally), as my beautifully inked and permanent reminder states: this too shall pass. while many have joked at it being a reference to the indie band ok, go! it is not. this too shall pass was originally coined by persian sufi poets who were speaking of the impermanence of everything in life: good or bad.
Q: What is a quarterlife crisis?
A: The quarterlife crisis, or QLC, is essentially a period of anxiety, uncertainty and inner turmoil that often accompanies the transition to adulthood(as per the website http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/ and the fact that website even exists makes me feel a little less lonely in my current situation even if the ‘questions’ they have to ‘define’ QLC don’t technically fit me.)
on the brighter side of my indecision (there is always a bright side somewhere if you look hard enough), i find a deep, unspeakable pride in the fact i do not look for validation through relationships, friendships, drugs, alcohol or other questionable vices anymore. even if i am not to my point of satisfaction yet, i am making progress into getting there.
there are some things that i know i want and there are some things i know i have, there are some things i want to achieve and many i already have successfully conquered.
i know, for example, that i am not a sociopath or a narcissist. and hey, those are good traits to skip if i ever heard of any.
xo xo.
I wish you could've been a fly on the wall when I was 12 years old. Cryin' over my homework, I would've slit my wrists if it wasn't for rock and roll.
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