Do not fear dea…

Do not fear death, fear its nemesis: life… Or, rather, fear wasting it.
Life should be your true enemy. It is wrought with agony, suffering, a lack of fairness and justice, bickering, hate, loss, and misery. Death might relieve you of these things — but if you turn these negatives around, you’ll find: happiness, the joy of helping, charity, knowledge, understanding, love, gain, and possibility.

I always kind of scoffed at duality until I honestly embraced my solitude and began understanding things outside of the somewhat negative perspective I’d disguised and falsely titled ‘realistic’. I’m not an optimist, nor an opportunist, nor a pessimist. Maybe I have finally become a realist by living by example.

I’ve begun to take my own advice, which released me and freed me from restraints of perpetual, repeated mistakes that I was too stubborn to acknowledge as just that. I hated when people constantly fell back into the same bad habits, or kept stabbing the fork in the socket even if it kept shocking them, or those who’d cut off their nose despite their face.

I am growing more comfortable and while I still stress, overanalyze, experience loneliness, sadness, hopelessness… It is a lot less often. I’m more commonly washed with contentment or a positive indifference. I don’t know if I could call myself ‘sage’, but I’d like to become a genuinely easy going person. I’m getting there, definitely.

Ggg

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Ffyuuh

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I haven’t got the courage to talk to you any other way than text right now. I know where I stand, or don’t stand, with you and I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of anyone. I should have seen this coming. I should never have talked to your friends, even if all I wanted was advice on how to fix things and make you happy, and I didn’t go about it right. I shouldn’t have questioned your loyalty with my insecurity or jealousy. I should have kept my problems to myself more. But nothing can fix it.

I think of how you will have your new years kiss with someone else and I cry. I think of you letting me preview music you made and I cry. I think of how you used to always let me lay on your chest to sleep and I cry. I think of you happy, holding my hand, smiling, laughing at my silly banter. I ain’t ever experience those things like I did before. I never will feel your arm squeezes again. I won’t get to go to the Fox with you after sleeping over and laughing at the wall decor. I think of Ram and you laying your legs across me when it was cold. The way you called me baby girl. It is the worst feeling I have experienced. I never thought I would experience loss so profound without death involved, especially not the loss of you. I just never thought about it.

I haven’t ever been heartbroken… At least nothing anywhere near like this. I cry a lot, in secret mostly. I have been keeping as much of the pain possible to myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel like living with Katie is making you feel betrayed by her and I want you to rest assured she has not taken sides and I will be moving out soon — I can’t live there knowing there is a possibility I could ruin what you two have. I have nowhere else to go but I am looking. My mother and I are speaking and she tells me often how you are the best thing I have had. It makes it harder, but she’s right. I hope one day my mom will love me like many moms love their kids. I keep hoping you fall back in love with me. I keep hoping that I am doing everything right to keep making progress in life. I am always full of hope, but I sink into reality and accept it regardless.

I always thought when I moved back out of my moms for good and started getting my life straight, life would get so much better. Despite obsessively trying to be proactive and busy, I still feel so hurt from everything with my mom, losing you, the holidays, and other shit I don’t even want to talk about.

Truth is I didn’t want to let you know how much this was hurting me. But I feel compelled to tell you. To let you know that you’re the most important thing to happen to me, that I love you now and will love you always. No matter how much it hurts me in ways I never thought possible, I will. I hope your holidays were and are amazing. I am sorry if reading this has hurt you or angered you. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it drives you away and out of affection with me further. It’s just something I had to do.

I am not wallowing in self pity. I am using this to try to push forward like you do. But it still hurts and is an uncontrollable feeling. I am allowing myself to feel it, all of it, without question. I am not avoiding it. I am not suppressing it. I am tired of losing, but never tired of trying.

I just haven’t got much else to lose. It’s both invigorating and painful.

I don’t know what else to say or do. You don’t have to reply, indicate you got this or anything. I am not expecting anything to come of this letter except hope that it helps you know how incredible you are and maybe helps drain my heart of the aching. Maybe it will help me stop crying as much. Maybe I will be at a point where the mere thought of seeing you and not being your girl doesn’t make the lump in my throat swell. I really want you back. I can’t deny it.

I love you. I am sorry for all the stress I caused you. I never meant to cause you to feel anything but happiness, joy, dedication, loyalty, admiration, respect and most of all, love. You will always be the Lego Master of my dreams.

I hope you get everything you want. You deserve it all.

Sincerely, Cassandra

On the menu.

I fear I won’t heal from this. The love I had for him was immense and genuine. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care. I never loved or wanted someone so much. I might never again.

I miss him. I wish I could hate him. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I just didn’t fucking care. Why do I care?

Because everything would be better. Everything. If he would trust me. And give me another try.

Instead, he avoids coping. He hides in hobbies. He ignores his feelings. He breaks my heart in such a way that its only obvious he hates me.

It hurts. I wish he knew. I would never hurt him.

It is what it is.

Ouch

Heartbreak, I am your bitch.

Paper cut on a minor artery thus I’m bleeding nuances.

As usual, I’ve neglected my blog. I am only really inspired to write in here at the moment because I had a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a few weeks (actually, maybe it was months) ask me what was new and I wasn’t really sure. I mean, I guess taking more classes at school has hindered my creative expression a bit as I am not drawing, writing or blogging as regularly as I used to (nor am I partying, promoting, DJing or hustlin’ as often). I really like everything going on right now as far as my life though… I think I do, at least.

MEeeee
My hair is getting long again! CELEBRATE.

I am taking 15 credits which includes 2 labs (Anatomy and Physiology and Biology), introduction to drawing, and Intermediate Algebra (a prep class since I am seriously terrible at Algebra). I feel good taking this much work on even though I get really lazy sometimes and don’t dedicate myself to homework as much as I have in the past. Part of the reason is because I’m trying to manage my ADHD with exercise and diet. It’s harder than you’d think, too… Reminding myself/motivating myself to go exercise every day is really not working out well but I don’t have the finances or desire to continue being medicated. The anxiety that my meds ended up giving me was just too much to handle. Any of the SSRI’s the doctor tried to put me on to counter it would either increase it or make me so tired and apathetic that there was no point and my doctor didn’t want to put me on anything like xanax, valium, etc (which I respect her opinions on benzos).

I thought drawing class would leave me inspired. I can already feel that it’s improved my skills in just a few classes, but I don’t feel inspired still. Whoops, oh well. A&P and Biology have almost identical chapters right now (1-4 in both classes are sooo similar) so studying is easy to condense and Intermediate Algebra.. I don’t even know what the fuck is up with that class. We work at our own pace, get lectured maybe once or twice a month tops, and still have to attend the class. It’s like an ass backwards distance learning class.

I’ve got one of my best friends attending the same campus as I do so we hang out between classes on Tues and Thurs which is aaaaawesome. Her name is Rachel and she’s AMAZING AS SHIT. I love her!

I’m also currently in a relationship with a guy named Matt. He’s great, just so y’all know. He lives right by campus too so I go there in between classes and he feeds me coffee and we watch Netflix and that is awesome. I bring Rachel with me sometimes and then we all sit in his room and watch ridiculous documentaries on really folks that are right out of Deliverance, Alabama folklore.

Um.

Other than that, I seriously have nothing to discuss. I’m sorry I’ve become so boring. I know I’ve got plenty of free time that I could blog, draw, write, knit, crochet or sew but I’m always so exhausted and my ADHD has it’s inattentive-type claws deep in my brain.

Here are some pictures I drew a few weeks ago while battling insomnia:
how I react to hot dudes
for my friend cash.

Such that is life… But I gotta get ready for the Envy Awards at TSI tonight.

SO BYE, BITCH, BYE.