I haven’t got the courage to talk to you any other way than text right now. I know where I stand, or don’t stand, with you and I don’t want to cry or get emotional in front of anyone. I should have seen this coming. I should never have talked to your friends, even if all I wanted was advice on how to fix things and make you happy, and I didn’t go about it right. I shouldn’t have questioned your loyalty with my insecurity or jealousy. I should have kept my problems to myself more. But nothing can fix it.

I think of how you will have your new years kiss with someone else and I cry. I think of you letting me preview music you made and I cry. I think of how you used to always let me lay on your chest to sleep and I cry. I think of you happy, holding my hand, smiling, laughing at my silly banter. I ain’t ever experience those things like I did before. I never will feel your arm squeezes again. I won’t get to go to the Fox with you after sleeping over and laughing at the wall decor. I think of Ram and you laying your legs across me when it was cold. The way you called me baby girl. It is the worst feeling I have experienced. I never thought I would experience loss so profound without death involved, especially not the loss of you. I just never thought about it.

I haven’t ever been heartbroken… At least nothing anywhere near like this. I cry a lot, in secret mostly. I have been keeping as much of the pain possible to myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel like living with Katie is making you feel betrayed by her and I want you to rest assured she has not taken sides and I will be moving out soon — I can’t live there knowing there is a possibility I could ruin what you two have. I have nowhere else to go but I am looking. My mother and I are speaking and she tells me often how you are the best thing I have had. It makes it harder, but she’s right. I hope one day my mom will love me like many moms love their kids. I keep hoping you fall back in love with me. I keep hoping that I am doing everything right to keep making progress in life. I am always full of hope, but I sink into reality and accept it regardless.

I always thought when I moved back out of my moms for good and started getting my life straight, life would get so much better. Despite obsessively trying to be proactive and busy, I still feel so hurt from everything with my mom, losing you, the holidays, and other shit I don’t even want to talk about.

Truth is I didn’t want to let you know how much this was hurting me. But I feel compelled to tell you. To let you know that you’re the most important thing to happen to me, that I love you now and will love you always. No matter how much it hurts me in ways I never thought possible, I will. I hope your holidays were and are amazing. I am sorry if reading this has hurt you or angered you. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it drives you away and out of affection with me further. It’s just something I had to do.

I am not wallowing in self pity. I am using this to try to push forward like you do. But it still hurts and is an uncontrollable feeling. I am allowing myself to feel it, all of it, without question. I am not avoiding it. I am not suppressing it. I am tired of losing, but never tired of trying.

I just haven’t got much else to lose. It’s both invigorating and painful.

I don’t know what else to say or do. You don’t have to reply, indicate you got this or anything. I am not expecting anything to come of this letter except hope that it helps you know how incredible you are and maybe helps drain my heart of the aching. Maybe it will help me stop crying as much. Maybe I will be at a point where the mere thought of seeing you and not being your girl doesn’t make the lump in my throat swell. I really want you back. I can’t deny it.

I love you. I am sorry for all the stress I caused you. I never meant to cause you to feel anything but happiness, joy, dedication, loyalty, admiration, respect and most of all, love. You will always be the Lego Master of my dreams.

I hope you get everything you want. You deserve it all.

Sincerely, Cassandra

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