Archive for the ‘ loneliness ’ Category

Two In One Day?!

I’m going to pretend like I won’t be overwhelmed with guilt for being passive-aggressive (though I’m sure I will as it is a growing reality to me that I am sinking to a lower level by doing this). I’m also not sure if any of it makes sense due to my desperate attempts in clinging onto anonymity.

You know, loyalty means a lot to me. Honesty too.

To me, a real, true friend would defend you against their other friends, their boyfriend/girlfriend, family, etc. Such a thing wouldn’t create drama or conflict, honestly. It builds character, encourages self-confidence and is compliant with philosophy’s ideas of reciprocity. If someone you care about is talking shit about someone else you care about, a small task such as simply telling that person to not say disrespectful things within earshot of the ‘target’ would be nice. Yeah, the ‘target’. We’ll call the ‘victim’ the ‘target’.

Though it still bothers me endlessly to know that a friend could allow such gross discussion to take place at all. Even if you worry you might alienate the ‘insulter’, if you will, not standing up for the ‘target’ makes you look weak and leaves your relationship with the ‘target’ in question… Especially if the ‘target’ is aware of the situation.

[My friend Matt says this: Sometimes people just get what’s coming to them.]

It’s really, really sad, hurtful, disrespectful, angering, and quite literally makes me physically ill when things like this happen. The lack of consideration leaves nothing but questions in regards to what friendship is or if it really holds any value to the other half of the relation. I find this behavior to be disgustingly immature, unnecessary and vile. I’d rather have a thousand redheaded goatees rubbing on my body at the same time (if any of you know how much I hate redheads and goatees, you’ll understand) than allow such a thing to happen — but I guess such disgust is relative? Or does it just come with experience? Age? What is it, you know?

If I have a friend who finds another one distasteful in any regard, I, at the very MINIMUM, will request that they not talk about the ‘target’ in my presence… Let alone in the ‘target’s.

Even more so, if the ‘insulter’ should know better and continues with disregard…? I’m sorry, but that person is obviously of questionable character anyway.

[My friend Kat says: Never forget who keeps your secrets.]

It’s obvious I’m regarding to someone *very* *very* *VERY* close to *ME* as the ‘target’ (or at least one of the many ‘targets’). Being pro-active is more respectable and all, but releasing pent up frustration is insanely therapeutic. This entry can be passive-aggressive, aggressive, passive… It doesn’t matter. The ‘target’ is refusing to be a victim.

Which is why the ‘target’ keeping is keeping his/her space and will keep it until things improve/stop/are solved. It isn’t that he/she doesn’t want to approach this situation, defuse it, but we’re in agreement think this is only fair and with some high hopes, we hope a lesson is learned with little pain and no loss.

I will now curl up into my warm blanket, watch television, knit and dream of a calmer future.

a surprising amount of shoulders

there is a surprising amount of shoulders around me belonging to friends and maybe one lover. but yet today, as i bite my lip over what curious agenda life’s natural forces will take me, i want nothing more than one to cry on or lay on. i want one to just be near me and give me a genuine consolation. not words, just company.

yet the alarming population that increases as days go by and all own such appendages are nowhere, or seem awkward when i am forlorn.

such that is my life. if i could make a mold of my own shoulder that could emit a comforting warmth — oh — how pleasing life would be! a clone of myself maybe. i don’t even mind if the clone of me was equipped with all my whimsies and woes. i know better than anybody how to fix my emotional errors.

maybe a user’s guide for those who share my company regularly would be admissible. it wouldn’t be long. maybe just come with a short foreword about how i am selfless and kind to faults; that i am bound to be taken for granted as i seem nearly unable to decline love and caring and to be careful because while the user might feel at fault, truly, their blame is negligible. i am learning to be better with my ability to say no, truly. i am proud of my accomplishments and my self-improvement (it is the best masturbation i’ve yet experienced).

there is still that tinge of failure when i can’t cheer up those around me. i think that causes me some of the most pain. when i care about someone, it’s always a very strong, deep kind of love. my friends, the men i grow fond of, my family… when i am unable to save their drowning moods or respirate their happiness, i grow incredibly morose. when that is stacked on top of an insanely crushing feeling of not-being-good-enough due to my own folly and bad decision, it just makes for me right now.

i am sitting at my best friend’s house. i didn’t want to go home yet. she’s at work. i am fighting my regular anxiety, i am wishing the few people i asked to come share their company with me would do so. instead, i am on my own. i am watching cars pass through a partially opened window, browsing the vast yonders of the ever boring and disappointing internet, drinking cold coffee that lacks the cream it takes to taste worthwhile to me, and wishing partially i could fall back to sleep. my dreams last night were shitty though, and that makes it even harder on me.

i have so many things i want to just… say and talk about. i need an ear to come with that shoulder.

i hate posting these things here. they seem to leave me vulnerable and susceptible. playing the tough girl is tiring though. maybe i’ll just delete this post later when i have enough alcohol in my system to forget about yesterday.. or, really, maybe most of the last year.