Archive for the ‘ questioning ’ Category

A thousand post it notes

“And some people can just look at the land. Just look at it… And tell you all about it.”

The looks to shake it.

I’d like for you all to meet Harold, my 3D owl wrist tattoo.

I love him, but am hiding him from my mom. She doesn’t like tattoos. She already thinks I’m a horrible, ridiculous piece of crap… I don’t need anymore anxiety from being degraded right now.

I have a lot of fucking homework and personal projects to do that I just have no time for at the moment. I’m writing about a schedule to force myself to follow today when I get off work. We’ll see how it goes.

how many words.

i want to have a passionate, sweet, amazing and incredible few hours with a wonderful guy.

i want to be smothered in affection, drowned in adoration…

when when when why why why how how how?

a surprising amount of shoulders

there is a surprising amount of shoulders around me belonging to friends and maybe one lover. but yet today, as i bite my lip over what curious agenda life’s natural forces will take me, i want nothing more than one to cry on or lay on. i want one to just be near me and give me a genuine consolation. not words, just company.

yet the alarming population that increases as days go by and all own such appendages are nowhere, or seem awkward when i am forlorn.

such that is my life. if i could make a mold of my own shoulder that could emit a comforting warmth — oh — how pleasing life would be! a clone of myself maybe. i don’t even mind if the clone of me was equipped with all my whimsies and woes. i know better than anybody how to fix my emotional errors.

maybe a user’s guide for those who share my company regularly would be admissible. it wouldn’t be long. maybe just come with a short foreword about how i am selfless and kind to faults; that i am bound to be taken for granted as i seem nearly unable to decline love and caring and to be careful because while the user might feel at fault, truly, their blame is negligible. i am learning to be better with my ability to say no, truly. i am proud of my accomplishments and my self-improvement (it is the best masturbation i’ve yet experienced).

there is still that tinge of failure when i can’t cheer up those around me. i think that causes me some of the most pain. when i care about someone, it’s always a very strong, deep kind of love. my friends, the men i grow fond of, my family… when i am unable to save their drowning moods or respirate their happiness, i grow incredibly morose. when that is stacked on top of an insanely crushing feeling of not-being-good-enough due to my own folly and bad decision, it just makes for me right now.

i am sitting at my best friend’s house. i didn’t want to go home yet. she’s at work. i am fighting my regular anxiety, i am wishing the few people i asked to come share their company with me would do so. instead, i am on my own. i am watching cars pass through a partially opened window, browsing the vast yonders of the ever boring and disappointing internet, drinking cold coffee that lacks the cream it takes to taste worthwhile to me, and wishing partially i could fall back to sleep. my dreams last night were shitty though, and that makes it even harder on me.

i have so many things i want to just… say and talk about. i need an ear to come with that shoulder.

i hate posting these things here. they seem to leave me vulnerable and susceptible. playing the tough girl is tiring though. maybe i’ll just delete this post later when i have enough alcohol in my system to forget about yesterday.. or, really, maybe most of the last year.

yes, i guess.

i wish i had 24/7 access to a GOOD vehicle.

i’d be driving up to birmingham right now to see old friends. i’d be hanging out with people who were pivotal in developing who i am and learning those life lessons and shit.

but really, i’d just love to see josh and cavan and everybody and give them hugs even if it was for one night. i just wish joshua darlin’ had given me more of a notice than 2 hours ago. i’m still exhausting all my options. so far, it looks like hitching a ride with friends tomorrow morning is my best option.

either way… i really miss birmingham. i miss how many people were there at shows that would be full of joy to see me. i think it was partially our age that fueled our desire for interaction with each other. i think that is was also partly our inability to separate affections for my former internet celebrity and who i really was. at times, when i feel insecure and lonely (though i am neither of those things for more than a spark of a synapse or a bad night) i want that unsubstantial ego stroking from internet minions. i know most of it, if not all of it, was false. i know that it was being fed to me for reasons that i can’t wrap my head around. it was still nice to hear, despite it being fluff or false.

luckily, the moments i desire such bullshit are fleeting and i am always reconciled when i realize how many friends i have who stick around me and have real substance to them. they’re plentiful.

especially the ones in birmingham. so who wants to drive me up?

it’s a beautiful day.

it really is beautiful outside.

i keep finding pictures of me from a few months to a few years ago in clothing that has long since gone missing. i start missing the shirts, sweaters and such that have gone awol. it makes me want to shop but i do not have the finances to do so right now. i will probably go thrifting this weekend though. it’s been a while. hopefully the thrifting deities look kindly on me and bestow upon me many flattering dresses, appropriate jeans (i’d like some cut-offs), and some ironic shirts.

i am in love with http://www.phonogramcomic.com. i’ve read the first series, rue brittania and am at the last release of the second, singles club. now to patiently await more releases.

i think i’m going to spend my spare time tonight drawing and studying… outside with tea. equal parts of all ingredients. sounds like a wonderful recipe.

hey, i’ll probably listen to the new dr. dog too. you know… it’s only right.

give me daughters.

i used to complain of not having a life. i look at what i have no and it hardly seems pedestrian on paper, but it does not feel sufficient. however, how would i know when it is at a satisfying, manageable place? my curiosity piqued at this idea today when i was thinking of all the things i day dream about doing. i feel i could take on more without overcompensating for years of laziness and meager social expansion, but would i end up overwhelmed by it all? am i susceptible to overestimating myself?

i thought that by re-entering the world of higher education, that i would feel fulfilled. this does not seem to be true. though i am awash with homework and all the glories of student-hood at a full-time work load, paired with work at gamestop (spare shifts with some consistency) and a few days/mornings here and there from the real estate office, and at least one or two adventurous nights out with my best friend and the closest, most incredible people i’ve met thus far; albeit it seems that i have a mostly full schedule, there is still something missing.

what it is, i’m not totally sure.

however irritating this quarter-life crisis may be (i do find myself more sensitive than i have previously been, yet i am less apt to being taken advantage of or taken for granted — “no” is a more prominent response in my vocabulary finally), as my beautifully inked and permanent reminder states: this too shall pass. while many have joked at it being a reference to the indie band ok, go! it is not. this too shall pass was originally coined by persian sufi poets who were speaking of the impermanence of everything in life: good or bad.

Q: What is a quarterlife crisis?
A: The quarterlife crisis, or QLC, is essentially a period of anxiety, uncertainty and inner turmoil that often accompanies the transition to adulthood

(as per the website http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/ and the fact that website even exists makes me feel a little less lonely in my current situation even if the ‘questions’ they have to ‘define’ QLC don’t technically fit me.)

on the brighter side of my indecision (there is always a bright side somewhere if you look hard enough), i find a deep, unspeakable pride in the fact i do not look for validation through relationships, friendships, drugs, alcohol or other questionable vices anymore.  even if i am not to my point of satisfaction yet, i am making progress into getting there.

there are some things that i know i want and there are some things i know i have, there are some things i want to achieve and many i already have successfully conquered.

i know, for example, that i am not a sociopath or a narcissist. and hey, those are good traits to skip if i ever heard of any.